I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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