please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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