I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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