New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
