guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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