Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
