You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
