Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
