we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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