that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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