I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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