Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
