So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
