wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
