Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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