take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
