I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
