I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
