that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
