dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
