Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
