Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
