I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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