well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
