If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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