I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I am one with the molecules
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
