He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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