you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
