I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
