All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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