Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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