Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
