Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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