Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
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If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
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Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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