my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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