The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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