I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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