Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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