im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
