Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
