I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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