my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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