Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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