If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
