Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
