This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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