can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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