and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
