The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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