Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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