I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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