The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
