imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
