my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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