no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
