I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
this is an emotional support booty call
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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