Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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